July 17, 2009
Today started off just fine. I woke up at 5am and had a 6 mile run. Which is fine, because I don't mind running. Work call was canceled because S-1 had a picnic, so I just
prepared my dish. At noon, I arrived at Torii Beach, and we ate and swam. So, around 1500, I decided I would head back to my room and prepare for whenever Adam would come over.
Since, you know, he's all I think about... you know?
He had homework, which is understandable. And I knew he would be busy, because all week he was working, and no time for homework. But, I let it get to me. I feel like
I am wasting my life and setting myself up for heartache. I marked on my calendar the day I know that he is PCSing from Japan. I just can't help but think of how bad
I'm going to feel when he leaves. Because you know how everything has to be about me. I get mad. I don't want him to go. But then half of me is saying to just leave
him alone, while the rest of me wants to stay.
I'm twenty-one years old and I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. In my head, I always tell myself that I am bound for failure and nothing will
ever go right in my life. I tell myself to not even bother with men, because they find me repulsive already, so there is no use in trying. I don't like being alone. I wake
up in the middle of the night and can't fall asleep because I feel like I shouldn't even be here. I don't know how most I am able to fake a smile and make it through the
day. I have to pull myself aside some days and just let it all out because how badly hurt I am inside.
There is no one else like. No one I can confide in. Why? Because I am destined for misery because God made me for no purpose. I might as well get out all of the horrible
things in my past right now.
I acted as a tease in my first AIT, Fort Sam Houston, Texas... so as a result, they got me drunk and I was the lucky one to get raped by a black Puerto Rican, because I just
laid there and took it, too scared to move or shout. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't tell a drill sergeant, I didn't call home and tell my mom, I didn't tell my sister.
And the guy? He acted as if he didn't do shit. My punishment is four years later having my MOS stripped from me because MEPS is unable to read my PULHES as 111121 instead
of 111112. Great, now I am a 42F instead of a 68E, which I'll probably never even make officer anyways.
I lied to my first boyfriend about being pregnant and told him I'd abort his demon seed child. To punish me, God had me get pregnant with a fling's demon seed whose child
I really did have an abortion... which by the way is a VERY painful procedure. Not to mention you can get violently sick before, during, and after.
Everything in my life constantly goes wrong. I truly have no purpose to live. For what? For married men to think I am good cheating material? I'm tired of it. When do I get
my happily ever after? No one even realizes how truly miserable I am. They think I am some happy-go-lucky girl. Well, I am not. Nothing is ever going to be okay for me.
Never. Not now, not in the future. Never.
I hate the fact that he's married. I act like it doesn't bother me, but it does. It drives me crazy. I'm jealous. He says he doesn't do anything with her, but in my head
I think of him doing things with her. It drives me crazy. I can't help it. I want him for myself. He's the only guy I've ever met that I haven't thought, "Ugh, he's so
fucking annoying in everything he does." I want to consume my day with him and I know that I can't. I feel like he only comes over because I open my legs. And I continually
allow this. I want him to come over, I want him to lay down with me, but I don't want that to be the only thing that we do and it seems that is. Yes, we lay down and watch
maybe "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" or something, but I feel like it's sex first, everything else second. And I put it that way. It's all my fault.
Everything is my fault. I make my choices, and then I regret half of them. I don't regret meeting him. I don't regret going to Gate 2 St. to see him. I don't regret
him at all. I regret for allowing myself to get feelings and get attached like Luis said. Now when he leaves, I'll be alone, and there will be no one to call to come
hold me, no one to tease me for my fear in spiders, no one out there for me to have.
And it scares me. It scares me to know that I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
Starting Monday, it's obvious how my life needs to be. Focus on the Army, because that's all I got, all I will ever have, because God designed my life to be alone.
